The Downward Spiral

For 20, maybe 30 years, now, I've suffered from recurring depression. I can be fine for months, maybe even several years, without a problem, and then suddenly, for no reason I can discern, life becomes overwhelming.

Sometimes it's not so bad, and I can pull myself out of it within a few weeks, but at other times, like now, life feels a bit like a plane in a war movie, that's been fatally hit, and is now spiralling nose-downwards to crash into the earth – sometimes the pilot escapes, and parachutes safely to the ground… and sometimes he doesn't.

My 'parachute' is a combination of anti-depressants and habit; medication doesn't solve the problem, but together, they take the edge off, enough for me to function, and find ways firstly, of coping, and then gradually to find ways to improve.

Several years ago, I was asked the question: "what keeps you going through the bad times?" This was a question put to me in church; I wanted to be really holy and say that it's God who keeps me going – but actually, that's not the whole truth. Over the years I've realised that what actually keeps me going in the hard times is habit.

I'm in the habit of getting out of bed in the morning; of showering; of eating; of going out to work, and so on. In the midst of depression, these habits can help me to function in a way that makes me look 'normal'. I find it harder to get out of bed, I find it even harder to have a shower, and some days – if I'm not planning on seeing anyone, or leaving the house – I don't bother. The arts of cooking and cleaning often desert me altogether, so food becomes anything instant I don't have to think about, and the house gets more and more dusty around me (both of which combine to deepen depression).

Again, habit can come to the rescue here: as you will now know, I have a problem with food, but recently, working with Mary, I've been trying to eat more healthily; I'm really hoping that this habit will step in and keep me going on this path. With Mary's help, I've been putting strategies in place that will help me to cope: how not to forget stuff, how to eat properly after a late night at work, how to remember to take my insulin and meds, and how to plan ahead so I know what I'll be eating in the evening, so I don't spend futile hours sitting in front of the fridge, opening and closing the door a few times, desperately searching for inspiration.

Another habit I want to regain is that of baking my own bread - it's cheaper, it's healthier, it tastes better, and because it's more satisfying, I eat less of it. Eighteen months ago, I began making soda bread (which is so quick and easy it was mixed, shaped and baked within about half an hour!). Then six months later, I acquired a second-hand bread-maker from a family member who didn't use it. That moment transformed my (bread-eating) life – and up until about 2 months ago, I never bought bread again. Not sure what happened 2 months ago, but I suddenly gave up making my own, and started buying these crappy-tasting rolls for my sandwiches. (Maybe that should have been a sign of encroaching depression…?) This last weekend, I realised the time had come to make a new start, and deliberately didn't buy bread – this morning I tasted my own bread again for the first time in several weeks – and honestly, I don't know why I stopped! The taste is so much more amazing than I remembered, and made me realise how dreadful the crappy-tasting rolls had been. What was I thinking?! One thing I'm sure of is that this habit absolutely must continue.

Twelve years ago, I ended up being off sick for six months with depression. It took me about another 8 weeks to back into full-time work, on a phased return. I don't ever want to go there again – that was quite possibly one of the lowest moments of my life – and it was hell. I want to keep working. I want to keep eating well, and living well, and I don't want the depression to rule my life. Like any other chronic illness, I want to learn to live with it, not under it. I really believe that with God's help, this is possible. True – only time will tell, and I may end up regretting these positive words; but God is bigger than any illness.

Speaking of habit – that goes for spiritual matters also (and I'm not preaching, here - I'm telling of a lesson I live): In the good times, build up habits of regular bible-reading, worship and prayer-time, and those habits will get you through the bad times. You may not feel that God is close, but that doesn't matter – what matters is that he is still there, despite what you feel. OK cliché alert here, but it seems completely apt: Just because the sun doesn't shine or show its face doesn't mean it isn't in the sky – it's just hidden behind clouds.

I hope my words are of some help. God bless you.

Post-heavy cold recovery

Apologies, but this is a bit of a poor-old-me session; the POMs kick in quite often, though I usually try and minimise their effect on the people around me. But as this is my journal of the lifestyle change I'm trying to make, and this is all relevant to me, I decided to record the moment -- so if you can't cope with my POMs... don't read any further!

Last week I should have seen Mary, but she cancelled because she's on holiday. But then again, on Tuesday afternoon I began such a heavy cold that I only slept a couple of hours that night; so there's no way I'd have gone to my appointment on Wednesday morning. So far that's the only good thing about this cold -- it's timing has been quite good (as colds go, you understand!).

Spent the next three days in bed (or more accurately, not 'in bed' but 'on armchair', with legs up and back sloped back as far as I could manage -- and still breathe -- which wasn't very far at all). By Wednesday evening, my ribs ached from coughing and throwing up, and I was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself; after three hours in bed, I gave up trying to go to sleep, and instead, put on some washing, filled the dishwasher, fixed the boiler (topped it up - I'm no plumber!), and cleaned a bit of the bathroom (wiped out the sink, and put bleach down the loo). After which I retired to my armchair again, and finally managed to drop off for 20 mins... but it was just enough to stop that 'restless' feeling of being unable to lie still, and allowed to me to get to sleep in bed - thoroughly propped up by half-a-dozen pillows (yes, really -- count them -- 6). There I managed a blessed four hours; not enough, but enough to satisfice (yes, that's a real word - look it up!).

So here we are at Monday morning, and I'm finally back at work -- counting the cost of absence. But in my mind, the real cost has been the work that Mary and I were doing on trying to come to terms with my emotions; I don't 'do' emotions -- at least not in public -- and anything that hurts or I can't cope with has just been suppressed for so many years that I don't really know how to access them any more. The problem is they're still there, festering away, leaking their poison into the rest of my life. So this week, I've forgotten to take some of my insulin, I've eaten some not-so-good-for-me stuff at the wrong times (like biscuits), I've forgotten to take my tablets, I've done no exercise, and my shoes don't fit because everything has swollen up. Not exactly the poster-girl for the work we're trying to do. I could use the excuse that I've been ill, but that's exactly what it would be -- an excuse... and anyway that somehow feels like 'cheating'.

I can already hear Mary's voice telling me not to be so hard on myself, but if I wasn't, who would be? Someone has to rescue me from myself. But the truth is I feel flat and empty right now. And where is God in all this? Well, he's there -- 'he's here' would be a better rendition -- but I have to admit I've hardly thought about him at all this last week... selfish to the last. But this one thing I'm sure of -- just because I haven't thought about him, doesn't mean he hasn't thought about me. He's done nothing but think of me, and sit with me.

I was just trying to think about a verse to illustrate what I'm talking about and I remembered one that says something about 'the eyes of the Lord watch over us', so I looked it up, and thought I'd put it here - notice what he does for the 'crushed'(!). Lord you are truly amazing.

Psalm 34: 15-19

15 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
    his ears are open to their cries for help.
16 But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
    he will erase their memory from the earth.
17 The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
    He rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

19 The righteous person faces many troubles,
    but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.