The Downward Spiral

For 20, maybe 30 years, now, I've suffered from recurring depression. I can be fine for months, maybe even several years, without a problem, and then suddenly, for no reason I can discern, life becomes overwhelming.

Sometimes it's not so bad, and I can pull myself out of it within a few weeks, but at other times, like now, life feels a bit like a plane in a war movie, that's been fatally hit, and is now spiralling nose-downwards to crash into the earth – sometimes the pilot escapes, and parachutes safely to the ground… and sometimes he doesn't.

My 'parachute' is a combination of anti-depressants and habit; medication doesn't solve the problem, but together, they take the edge off, enough for me to function, and find ways firstly, of coping, and then gradually to find ways to improve.

Several years ago, I was asked the question: "what keeps you going through the bad times?" This was a question put to me in church; I wanted to be really holy and say that it's God who keeps me going – but actually, that's not the whole truth. Over the years I've realised that what actually keeps me going in the hard times is habit.

I'm in the habit of getting out of bed in the morning; of showering; of eating; of going out to work, and so on. In the midst of depression, these habits can help me to function in a way that makes me look 'normal'. I find it harder to get out of bed, I find it even harder to have a shower, and some days – if I'm not planning on seeing anyone, or leaving the house – I don't bother. The arts of cooking and cleaning often desert me altogether, so food becomes anything instant I don't have to think about, and the house gets more and more dusty around me (both of which combine to deepen depression).

Again, habit can come to the rescue here: as you will now know, I have a problem with food, but recently, working with Mary, I've been trying to eat more healthily; I'm really hoping that this habit will step in and keep me going on this path. With Mary's help, I've been putting strategies in place that will help me to cope: how not to forget stuff, how to eat properly after a late night at work, how to remember to take my insulin and meds, and how to plan ahead so I know what I'll be eating in the evening, so I don't spend futile hours sitting in front of the fridge, opening and closing the door a few times, desperately searching for inspiration.

Another habit I want to regain is that of baking my own bread - it's cheaper, it's healthier, it tastes better, and because it's more satisfying, I eat less of it. Eighteen months ago, I began making soda bread (which is so quick and easy it was mixed, shaped and baked within about half an hour!). Then six months later, I acquired a second-hand bread-maker from a family member who didn't use it. That moment transformed my (bread-eating) life – and up until about 2 months ago, I never bought bread again. Not sure what happened 2 months ago, but I suddenly gave up making my own, and started buying these crappy-tasting rolls for my sandwiches. (Maybe that should have been a sign of encroaching depression…?) This last weekend, I realised the time had come to make a new start, and deliberately didn't buy bread – this morning I tasted my own bread again for the first time in several weeks – and honestly, I don't know why I stopped! The taste is so much more amazing than I remembered, and made me realise how dreadful the crappy-tasting rolls had been. What was I thinking?! One thing I'm sure of is that this habit absolutely must continue.

Twelve years ago, I ended up being off sick for six months with depression. It took me about another 8 weeks to back into full-time work, on a phased return. I don't ever want to go there again – that was quite possibly one of the lowest moments of my life – and it was hell. I want to keep working. I want to keep eating well, and living well, and I don't want the depression to rule my life. Like any other chronic illness, I want to learn to live with it, not under it. I really believe that with God's help, this is possible. True – only time will tell, and I may end up regretting these positive words; but God is bigger than any illness.

Speaking of habit – that goes for spiritual matters also (and I'm not preaching, here - I'm telling of a lesson I live): In the good times, build up habits of regular bible-reading, worship and prayer-time, and those habits will get you through the bad times. You may not feel that God is close, but that doesn't matter – what matters is that he is still there, despite what you feel. OK cliché alert here, but it seems completely apt: Just because the sun doesn't shine or show its face doesn't mean it isn't in the sky – it's just hidden behind clouds.

I hope my words are of some help. God bless you.